February 16, 2008

It just about broke my heart. I was a little snippy in response to my baby being whiny. On my way to dropping him to his class, I demanded he stopped whining in a very angry voice.

Right before getting out of the car, he took a deep breath, and he said to himself, “I’m going to be happy now.” He wiped his eyes and went to his class.

My heart bleed. I think he’s too young to feel that way. I worry. Worry that he’ll remember this forever, and then his wife is going to walk all over him if she acts like me. Didn’t they say that children often marry their parents?

I have resolved myself to go through several books reading about anger management. I get so frustrated, I just want to take any one’s hide and strip it. I don’t admire that about myself at all.



At Odds

February 10, 2008

These last few days, my husband and I feel like we’re at odds. I can’t quite point it, but it’s like I can feel this subliminal message he’s broadcasting. He’s not so happy with me. I might just be reading him wrong, but there it is.

I was actually annoyed with him on Thursday because he choose to exclude himself from a group activity we both signed on. I also wanted him to have fun, but he was so critical. He had so many complaints about the class. He dragged his feet so much, we were late 20 minutes to a one-hour class.

I have a happy marriage. It’s a long one. Sometimes, I feel that we have only this happy marriage because I bit my tongue. A lot! When I am mad at him for something, it will take me days and days to say anything. Underneath it all, I am always hoping that it will just go away. Most of the time it does.

However, I have noticed lately this feeling I have. When we’re at odds like this, not because we quarrel, but just because of a feeling…I have this urge to run. I just want to be away from him for a while. Not even because I want to be with somebody else. I just don’t want to be around him.

Off With His Head

January 4, 2008

Sometimes, when my husband is so snipy, several thoughts goes into my head. Then I can’t help it. I wonder if he’s found someone else. Why else would he be suddenly snippy to my and my kids.

I especially hate it when I get so frustrated with him rough handling our kids, but I can’t really have it out with him. If I talk to him about it, he’ll flat out deny that he did anything wrong. In fact, sometimes, he’s really mean. I couldn’t really tell him that though. I think he knows.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m in an abusive environment…because it’s abuse really all about bad things happening ‘some of the time’?

Lusting After Jason Statham’s Penis

September 24, 2007

What a dream I have. I married Jason Statham, and he pulled a muscle on his buns walking down the aisle after. He was lying down in bed, naked and I can see his penis. It’s not erect, but I can feel the lust rise in me.

I kissed him, after all, he’s my husband now. I surely would have loved to wake up with a nice full penis planted in me. I usually don’t dream prurient dreams, but that one was delicious!

I have to go and fuck my husband now. I’m still in lust even after all these hours between waking.

Love Is a Myth?

September 16, 2007

When I am angry, I do not think I have love in my heart. I have hate.

For example, when I have a damn busy day doing all the work which my husband was supposed to do, on top of dealing with sometimes very bratty kids, and then I forgot to write paycheck because I was dealing with all other crap, and then I get a phone from said husband acting all put out because I did not remember….

Why the fuck didn’t he write the check himself between watching TV, and demanding me to rub his head? Dick head! I am so damned tired of feeling guilty because I worry something might have happened to him, guilty again because his royal assness is unhappy he forgot about the paycheck…

Why do I have to remember everything around here. Why can’t he use part of his brain to remember something related to his job? Maybe he should talk less about religion he was never really serious about keeping in the first place and start thinking more about things like paycheck. And he couldn’t be bothered to drive through the bank to deposit a check?

I am not even going to rant about not having orgasm anymore. It’s always about him. I said I do not mind, well, yeah, I didn’t mind when I thought it was going to be only 5 times out of 6 I wouldn’t get orgasm, it turns out that I am not going to get any at all. WTF! I need orgasm too…and I would really prefer to have sex in which all the dick pumping doesn’t end up in a 3 second orgasm. Oh, BTW, if I want orgasm, I should make him cum once and then work again to make sure he cums that much slower the second time. Like I have all the time in the world between doing all his laundry? I have never seen a person generate 6 pairs of dirty clothes after he had shower, sit and watch TV and went to bed. Seriously! I think I am being too nice. If I had started out this marriage bitchy in the beginning, then maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t end up doing all the drudgery work around the house. Fuck that!

Fuck wordpress too for not spell checking…so now I have bad grammar on top of bad spellling!

Missing Husband

September 16, 2007

On Friday, my husband went to teach a Rosh Hoshana class. The class was for 90 minutes long. He left around 830 AM. By 6 PM he still wasn’t home. I call his best friend who offered nicely to go to synagogue for me to look for him.

Thirty minutes later, husband walked in the door as if nothing happened…and here I was already asking my babies to pray their father was alright. He had forgotten to tell he he’s stopping by someone else’s family to have lunch, then he had a talk with a Rabbi.

Talk with a Rabbi could last 5 hours with my husband. I can believe that he’d be detained there.

I dont’ understand. He had convinced us all that we’re not keeping sabbath anymore because of some genocide issues in the bible. Well, I am not keeping sabbath anymore or anything orthodox jewish. I just wanted to know why he would then turn around and teach a class. True he was forced to do it because there was no one who could teach these children age group other than him.

But for him to go out to lunch without even asking me if I wanted to go…these people he went to lunch with are about the only people in town I am good friends with. I have a lot of acquaintances, but not friends like these people.

I thought my husband is thoughtful, but he couldn’t have been so thoughtless as he was on Friday. When he walked in, he wasn’t even sorry I worried.

I swear, that is the last time I will worry about him if he’s not home like expected. I can handle the kids anyway on my own. It’s not like he helps me a lot with raising them other than ocassionally going against my rules for children behavior.

I am so pissed off last Friday, I haven’t really looked at him in the face since then. It would take me a while to get over it…I was so worried something had happened to him.

Anger Management

August 22, 2007

I can feel myself getting angrier by the second. I don’t like angry people. When my husband is angry, I do not like to be around him. When he’s loud angry, I especially wanted to be anywhere but near him.

I can only imagine that when I am ranting, screaming mad, and sarcastic, ridiculing angry person, I wouldn’t want to be around me. It creeps on my so suddenly, I just want to bite people’s head off. I say mean things when I am angry.

I do not like the angry me. I want to be away from the angry me. I have made a deal with myself that when I am angry, I will just go to my quiet corner and give myself a time-out.

So, the floor is dirty again. So, the dining room table is messy again. The clothes are scattered all over the floor, again. I know it hasn’t been 24 hours when everything is nice and neat, and here it is, being strewn anew with stuff.

I can feel my blood boiling, and I hope that next time, I can just bite my tongue instead of saying angry words, which are not very effective anyway when it comes to getting my way. It seems like the louder I scream, the less my children hear me. Sometimes, I blame their messiness on my mother-in-law. He house is not dirty, but she does not pick up after herself.

Going into her house is like going into a garage sale after it is done and only unwanted things in a mess is left behind. She has nice big house with expensive things, but it looks cheap when you look at it because nothing is in its place. Nothing.

I was brought up differently. My house was always neat and orderly. My children have other plans. I just need to make them understand that being disorderly with things is not how I want to live. How can anyone be productive in a messy house like that?

I don’t know why I am so angry. I think it’s just the messy house. But is it something else? Am I just an angry person by personality?