March 6, 2008

As I get older, people told me that I should get more horny. I don’t think it’s true. You know why? It’s because when I turned 32, I can live without sex. In fact, sometimes, while having sex, I get this rush of anger why I have to be on my back, splayed with a penis intruding me.

That’s a disturbing thought since before I was in my 30s, all I think about is sex and having a cock planted in my pussy. I’d get wet and bring myself on the brink of orgasm by just crossing my legs.

Now, I have to work at being turned on, by a real cock or a fake one. Am I alone in this? Should I take a female version of viagra? Because, sure as hell, I’m not getting it up often enough.


At Odds

February 10, 2008

These last few days, my husband and I feel like we’re at odds. I can’t quite point it, but it’s like I can feel this subliminal message he’s broadcasting. He’s not so happy with me. I might just be reading him wrong, but there it is.

I was actually annoyed with him on Thursday because he choose to exclude himself from a group activity we both signed on. I also wanted him to have fun, but he was so critical. He had so many complaints about the class. He dragged his feet so much, we were late 20 minutes to a one-hour class.

I have a happy marriage. It’s a long one. Sometimes, I feel that we have only this happy marriage because I bit my tongue. A lot! When I am mad at him for something, it will take me days and days to say anything. Underneath it all, I am always hoping that it will just go away. Most of the time it does.

However, I have noticed lately this feeling I have. When we’re at odds like this, not because we quarrel, but just because of a feeling…I have this urge to run. I just want to be away from him for a while. Not even because I want to be with somebody else. I just don’t want to be around him.

Love Is a Myth?

September 16, 2007

When I am angry, I do not think I have love in my heart. I have hate.

For example, when I have a damn busy day doing all the work which my husband was supposed to do, on top of dealing with sometimes very bratty kids, and then I forgot to write paycheck because I was dealing with all other crap, and then I get a phone from said husband acting all put out because I did not remember….

Why the fuck didn’t he write the check himself between watching TV, and demanding me to rub his head? Dick head! I am so damned tired of feeling guilty because I worry something might have happened to him, guilty again because his royal assness is unhappy he forgot about the paycheck…

Why do I have to remember everything around here. Why can’t he use part of his brain to remember something related to his job? Maybe he should talk less about religion he was never really serious about keeping in the first place and start thinking more about things like paycheck. And he couldn’t be bothered to drive through the bank to deposit a check?

I am not even going to rant about not having orgasm anymore. It’s always about him. I said I do not mind, well, yeah, I didn’t mind when I thought it was going to be only 5 times out of 6 I wouldn’t get orgasm, it turns out that I am not going to get any at all. WTF! I need orgasm too…and I would really prefer to have sex in which all the dick pumping doesn’t end up in a 3 second orgasm. Oh, BTW, if I want orgasm, I should make him cum once and then work again to make sure he cums that much slower the second time. Like I have all the time in the world between doing all his laundry? I have never seen a person generate 6 pairs of dirty clothes after he had shower, sit and watch TV and went to bed. Seriously! I think I am being too nice. If I had started out this marriage bitchy in the beginning, then maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t end up doing all the drudgery work around the house. Fuck that!

Fuck wordpress too for not spell checking…so now I have bad grammar on top of bad spellling!

Missing Husband

September 16, 2007

On Friday, my husband went to teach a Rosh Hoshana class. The class was for 90 minutes long. He left around 830 AM. By 6 PM he still wasn’t home. I call his best friend who offered nicely to go to synagogue for me to look for him.

Thirty minutes later, husband walked in the door as if nothing happened…and here I was already asking my babies to pray their father was alright. He had forgotten to tell he he’s stopping by someone else’s family to have lunch, then he had a talk with a Rabbi.

Talk with a Rabbi could last 5 hours with my husband. I can believe that he’d be detained there.

I dont’ understand. He had convinced us all that we’re not keeping sabbath anymore because of some genocide issues in the bible. Well, I am not keeping sabbath anymore or anything orthodox jewish. I just wanted to know why he would then turn around and teach a class. True he was forced to do it because there was no one who could teach these children age group other than him.

But for him to go out to lunch without even asking me if I wanted to go…these people he went to lunch with are about the only people in town I am good friends with. I have a lot of acquaintances, but not friends like these people.

I thought my husband is thoughtful, but he couldn’t have been so thoughtless as he was on Friday. When he walked in, he wasn’t even sorry I worried.

I swear, that is the last time I will worry about him if he’s not home like expected. I can handle the kids anyway on my own. It’s not like he helps me a lot with raising them other than ocassionally going against my rules for children behavior.

I am so pissed off last Friday, I haven’t really looked at him in the face since then. It would take me a while to get over it…I was so worried something had happened to him.

Every Body Needs

March 28, 2007

Just when I think all the drama that could possibly happen in my life is through, then I get even more.

Two weeks ago, my packager just up and quit on me. I was very upset. I am a girl who likes status qou. It’s not a bad thing. It’s steady, it’s boring and it’s reliable.

What I don’t understand is why do some people crave so much excitement? It confuses me. True exciting things are fun when it’s happening, but it is unsettling. I know there are some poeple out there like me. There’s too many people on this earth no to find anyone alike.

My little sister called it quits with her marriage. Her husband like to hold her too hard. It’s not quite beating, but it’s certainly force and it’s unwanted. I was glad to see that one go. I supposed it is really hard to my little sister to be alone.

My little sister is a girl who needs to have a man in her life in one form or another. I don’t know what to think about that, she doesn’t seem to like sex that much. Isn’t men’s main function in a relationship is to get a woman off?

This personality’s complication goes a long way back. Then my little brother’s marriage is unraveling too. Can you imagine having a wife who is only happy when you’re making tons of money, and when you’re out of job, she starts asking for divorce in the third month. Not because you don’t have money, but just because you don’t a job.

One thing in common with my little sister and my brother’s wife is both of them were sexually abuse as a child.