I Done You Wrong…Dollar and Cents

May 12, 2007

 I woke up this morning after 3-hours of sleep. I was tired even before I left my bed. It’s been like that for a long while now. I like the quiet of the night, and I refuse to give this up. The only problem is, my kids are staying later and later, so I have to stay up even later to get some peace and quiet. 

It’s not that I wish I was somewhere else, or even wish another life, or wish away my family. I just like having the time to myself late at night where I can do some cleaning, then settle down in my comfy couch to read at all hours.  

This nocturnal habbit I have is probably the sole reason why I am not a medical doctor today. It’s a long story, and it’s not really the one I intended to tell tonight. Around 8:50PM tonight, my children were still up and running around. I was tired, and there were two-sinkful of dishes that I have yet to get to, I have missed cooking dinner again, which dissappoints me greatly. I have frozen food for emergencies like these. 

Except it’s been in “emergencies like this” for so long, I have forgotten what it’s like to actually sit down with my whole family and enjoy dinner. Ones you got off that train, it’s really hard to get back. Working at home, and having poor time management does not have help matter any at all.  

In addition, I have a 13 months old baby. He’s on his clingy stage. I knew this already from all the other kids I have. Except that there’s so much more to do now than ever. We can’t afford a household help, even in part-time basis. I would love to do away with the cleaning every day. It takes 3 hours of my time. While I am cleaning, I have to hold my baby. 

Normally, I love holding him.  But lately, I just get short-tempered because I dislike disorderly house more. My house is disorderly. My children does not pick up after themselves, and it gets on my nerves. I am sure there must be a book somewhere which will help, I haven’t found it, and even if I do found it, I am not sure I want to read it anyhow. 

Tonight, I was tired. I just wanted to sit and read my book between washing dishes and doing laundry. I must mention that my husband generates 4-5 pairs of pants and shirt every day. Even on days where he is just at home watching TV. It amazes me how he needed to change his pants and shirt when he’s just sitting there watching TV. He’s not the handy-man sort of husband, but I love him dearly. However, his laundry, on top of everything else, just gets to me. Would it really make him smelly if he doesn’t change his pants 4 times a day? I mean, some pants, especially if they’re black, and you’re just sitting in an air-conditioned house, are meant to be worn more than once! 

And talking about air conditioning….does it have to be a freaking 65 in the summer, and 85 in the winter all the time? I have to pay like 450 dollars worth of utility bills in gas and electric every month! Who has money to throw away like that when you’re barely grossing 65 thousand a year? Such a waste! 

Then this afternoon, our sidings are finally paints and some parts repaired, and I paid 900 dollars for that. Then my pipes got broken, I suspect from the decorative blocks I had placed in the sand pile. That is a cool 120 dollars. Last Saturday, my A/C broke down, and than goodness, I was able to fix it for only 85 dollars. The guy made a Saturday night call. He’s an angel!

A few days before that, I had to fix the leaking shower next door and that was 120 dollars, and then three days later after than, 550 dollars to clean the gutter and re-piped a clogged up drain.  Those are money I couldn’t afford to spend. My car was wrecked because I was being absent-minded while driving, and had to get rid of it for 250 dollars. With the Tolltag in it, and that cost me another 20 dollars.  

So tonight, with that in mind, seeing the children still up at almost 9PM when their bedtime is at 730 just made me lose it. I said: “Go to your rooms and sleep. NOW. NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME.” 

I wasn’t in the mood for denials or excuses. I just really wanted all the children asleep so the house can be quiet. No one went to bed anway. One was running aroudn in a game of tag, another was stretching her dinner into a 2-hour affair, two children were jumping all over me, and no one was even close to going to bed. I started saying words like “Horrible, horrible children! Useless horrible children all of you!”

Now, a few minutes later, I realized that wasn’t the way to show the children I love them very much. It wasn’t the way I wanted to show security. Now, I am wracked with guilt, another useless emotion if there ever was one.  I just need to learn to not open my mouth when I am tired and cranky. I should just shower and if the baby screams because I am not holding him, then he can shower too. Who knows how much untold emotional damaged I had inflected on my 5 years old. He’s the most stubborn one of all. Actually, my 8 years old is pretty stubborn too. Earlier today, he refused to give me a glass of juice beause I asked while he was watching TV. He went to the kitchen where he presumable open my refrigerator and managed to NOT see the 5 half-gallons of juice I was asking for. 

I love my children. They’re precious to me. I do things so they can be happy and entertained. Is it too much to ask that they repay me by sleeping on time and picking up after themselves? That they than scatter their clothes all over the room because they couldn’t find a specific pants? How hard is it? I don’t remember being this messy when I was little. I guess this is another time. A whole different lifetime and different ways.  Still, should fundamental things like picking up after yourself should be learned?


She’s Out

May 9, 2007

My sister went out of the mental facility yesterday. She seem subdued, and not as hyper as before.

I felt so much guilt, a useless emotion if there ever was one, about not being able to watch my nephew all the time. On the other hand, my sister will have peace of mind when I watch my nephew. However, the payback is I might have to watch my kids slowly go through the same mental meltdown my sister is going through now because I let him stay.

How much scarring can a little child cause? He’s only 7, but he likes to grab the private areas of my little boys, and peeps on my daughter who’s 9 while she’s dressing. I think these are not normal behavior at all.

So my sister is out, my nephew is staying with a very good family friend, and he seemed content. My friend’s children doesn’t take crap because they’re all older than him, so everyone wins.

What Am I Supposed to Do?

May 3, 2007

My sister is officially insane. Mildly insane, but insane nonetheless. My husband believed that she could get over this. I am ashamed to say that I don’t have much faith in that sentiments.

She was admitted to a mental facility. She stayed there for three days. I felt she was released too soon. It’s partly my husband’s help. My sister mentioned taking in some medication, and therefore it was only an episode induced by taking too much of the drug.

I picked her up, I didn’t really want to. I feel so bad for not wanting to, but I did, and got her home from the hospital. She was too manic in her manners. We would talk like usual, and then she’ll laugh loud and over the top, she is scaring me. I didn’t say anything to her. I tried to make her feel better and that a fews days in the mental hospital is no biggie.

I shielded her child from her mental breakdown. I have him stay near me. But as of two nights ago, I had to make another arrangement for him. He has this habbit of grabbing my sons by the crotch, and feeling their butts. That did not sit right with me. I do not know why my little sister has exposed her child to, but I will not have my children’s private parts grabbed by anyone. I don’t know if it will have lasting effects, but I would rather err in the side of caution. I am very selfish that I want my children to grow up normal with as little trauma as possible.

I might still have to watch him from time to time, but my husband and I are hoping that with his time away, he will behave much better than when he’s getting so comfortable. I have never have that happen in my house before where my boys would grab their sibblings penis, and pat their butts a lot. Does it sound as weird as I feel it is?

I talked to my mother and she told me that my sister is getting antsy about getting out of the hospital. We brought her in again four days after she got out of the other one because she wasn’t sleeping again. Everytime she doesn’t sleep, she accuses everyone of imprisoning her. This from a girl who comes and goes as she pleases, and sees whomever she pleases, and sleep with whomever she feels like. Actually, it pleases her to sleep with her first husband, the one she left behind because he was raping her.

Did I miss something? Why is she seeing him again if he was raping her during marriage the first time around? His mother treated my sister like a trash. The mother said that to my sister’s face. I guess she couldn’t handle the rejection on top of everything else, she has finally lost her hold on reality.

My sister is not all bad. Even as messed up as she is, she made sure her child is taken care of as best as she could.  She still insisted on getting food for everybody, which worries me because I felt she should save her money for future needs. She would always reply, “No one takes their money to the grave.” She’s damned generous to a fault!

I don’t know what made her this way now. Was there an event in her life where brought her to this juncture of her life. Was it my aunt who beats her  while she was sleeping because my sister has peed on the couch she was napping. My sister is only two years old. What kind of person does that? My aunt single-handedly terrorized my sister as a child. Why did my mother keep “loaning” her to my aunt?

Was it my cousin copping a feel from her when she was 9-ish, and when she told the grown-ups, she was ridiculed?

Was it the boyfriend my mother “borrowed” money form? This boyfriend would have sex with my sister while holding a gun to her head.

Was it her first husband who would have sex with her even when she says no, and mensturating?

Was it her second husband, whom she told me, would insist on having sex every day?

Why are all these things happened to her? What has she ever done to deserve so much punishment in life? Weren’t those events enough, does she have to lose her mind too?

I am dreading the moment she gets out of this second hospital too soon. I am afraid if she talked her way out of this, and have another breakdown, she might never ever recover.

I am also mad that she didn’t leave her child with me when her life is unsteady. I don’t know what he has been exposed to that he would grabbed my little boy’s genitals. Mad that I now have to make decissions and have to choose my children over him because I have to protect my children from this.

What should I do?